To say I knew what I was doing is far from it

I left home 2/28/1993 and started my ATL life on 3/1/1993 - I was 23. Now I am 49.

I knew 5 people, had no job or a place to stay except for the first night and I had a non-paying internship at Nexus Art Center, which is now, The Atlanta Contemporary... 

I had no clue what I was doing when I got here. I got to ATL on 2/28/1993 after driving all day and crashed at a place on 17th street. I slept on a sofa. Then I got up and found a place to stay for about a month on Park Place. Then, I found another place on 14th Street where I stayed for a year. It was a room for rent, around the corner from an English pub, down the street from a diner, and running distance to Piedmont Park.

There: I drank my cappuccinos and ate a ton of cous-cous. I witnessed a lot of things: music festivals, gay pride parades, peachtree road races, freaknick and car accidents - saw snow on April 1 - I met Elton John at Macy's - didn't know at the time, ate and drank a lot of beer and pizza. Met Jenny Williams, stayed buds with Randall, and Jake whom I still talk to. 

On Thanksgiving that year, I ate Tombstone Pizza and ironed my clothes for the holiday weekend at Macy's. 

Painted, showed my work at galleries all over, painted for food, worked for food...

So what have I done and what do I have to show for it?

Nothing.

Am I rich?

No but I am in spirit.

Did I crash and burn?

Sure...

I have been single, engaged, married and now widowed.

From 93-96 I moved 8 times. I lived in the hood, the burbs, by the church, the bar, and across the street from a drive thru liquor shop which made a perfect circle from my apartment door to the drive through window back across the street to my apartment door. There was a parking lot queen, a cat, name Quiche Lorraine who sat on all of our hoods.

First rule of being poor was don't let your phone get cut off. Second rule, don't let the electricity get cut off in the summer (AC), and third, don't let the gas get cut off in the winter (heat).

Why is the first rule what it is?

So people 'think' you're home and everything's ok.

Folks, this is BEFORE CELL PHONES.

So let's see here: JOBS:

Coffee House

Bar

Restaurant

Art Gallery

Art Model

1 hour photo store

Macy's

Music writer for Monthly mag

Started my first PR company: Misery's Over

Photographer

Music Manager's assistant (drivin n cryin)

AND that's all within three years!

1996 I landed my longtime position at Mark Pucci's office. There I sat for 18 years - answering the phone faster than Thelma Lou.

1998 got married. During this time, I ran the office, Steed's band stuff, a record label, an art gallery and a household.

NOW it's 2019 and I've lost a husband, a father in law, lost two cats, got three tattoos and I started my own PR firm. For some reason, I have to stop and think how long it's been and what was before and after... that's how crowded it's been with events.

Am I the same person? sorta. Do I know more than I did that day? Yes, at least two more things.

Do I miss that old Jill? Yes and no... I ran scared a lot, I didn't show it, but I did. Didn't know what was gonna happen from the morning to the evening.

So, I can't say I knew what I was doing that day... really I can't. I just knew I had to go.

Happy Atlan-ta-versary to me!

JK

This is a pic of my little brother, myself and my dear Grandmother who came to see me in 1995. This is outside my Vedado Way apartment.

Sometimes closing a door is more like eating a carrot

Carrots are a good source of our everyday living - an apple a day keeps the doctor away... well, what you might not know is that carrots are good for not just our bodies but our eyes.  I was told to eat lots of carrots when I was a kid so I could see better... I had just gotten glasses and hated them. 

Here's a quick definition: 

The human body converts beta-carotene into vitamin A (retinol) - beta-carotene is a precursor of vitamin A. We need vitamin A for healthy skin and mucous membranes, our immune system, and good eye health and vision.

So over the past week, I have had some good visions. 

One was on last Tuesday in Nashville when I eyed something, didn't buy it and walked away. It felt good not to cave into an impulse buy. That buy would've been hard to pack, cumbersome and bothersome. I thought about it, but nah, I walked away. 

I had been dealing with a betrayal, a letdown, and yet freedom at the same time with this door and I couldn't let go of the doorknob. I had to keep playing with it for years! I needed to let that other side know that I wasn't affected by it slides notes under the threshold and the knocking that felt like taunting. After a few rounds about the room, I finally did something about it. I looked the door one more time and then the knob - didn't get scared or happy or mean then walked away. 

See, I was clinging to something that was never there: which was a loyal friend. As we've all been finding out as we get older, it's best to have a handful of friends rather than a boat full of them. When we were younger, we all wanted to be popular, well liked and chosen first on a team for dodgeball. Now we want to have a few folks we can count on. 

For what I do for a living, I need to have a lot happen, to get the project off the ground... but not so in my mind, I like quality over quantity... so I pick and chose what I think is best. Come up with the best vision for it, execute it and hopefully watch it blossom. So, as I watch some of my favorite people, flower, get a "nod" from peers and colleagues, I also see sadness - in eyes that are craving for it. There is hunger in their eyes - you will see it in my photos from time to time... hence why I focus on it. When you are in row double R you can't see what the artist is doing... you just hear it. Therefore having a good time listening to it vs. having a good time seeing it... sometimes you will never see it but you will hear it, and that's just about as good as seeing it. 

I had also had a dear friend call me out over not calling her back. I thought how petty that is? And it was, and I remember when I called her out about something that resulted in her pettiness, she saw how she was being. She had eaten her carrots too. We don't have to be mean or cruel; we just have to behave. We make mistakes for sure... all day long. 

But when you commit a crime, as hard as heartbreak or betrayal, we tend to put those people in a section of hell, and oddly enough, we are sitting right next to them. We are told "take the high road," most of the time we do, but this time I had to light it to see my way out of hell. It was consuming me, dragging me down and crippling me. So fighting fire with fire is ok, as long as you are use it safely. 

"Cause only you can cause forest fires," said the bear. 

Eyes are the windows of our souls, yes and it's true... we can deliver any eye we want, kind, sad, wide, cross, wandering, and of course my favorite #sideeye. 

Sometimes when we close the door on a person, an issue or part of life that is hazardous to our health another one opens or becomes ajar and then you make like Bugs Bunny and eat a carrot and ask, "What's up doc?" 

Why do friends let each other down and why loyalty is a sham

This is a serious matter.

When my world fell apart I thought I had friends - I was wrong. It took a good year to accept that they were just too busy and then after that, I had to fight being alone.

THAT is harder than having the flu.

But what I've learned is something so mean and cruel that we don't talk about it when we are happy. We only talk about it when we are sad or at 2 AM talking to ourselves. We are not good friends or people by and large and we are ALL at fault. We lose more friends to love than anything else.

When we 'fall' in love we stop hanging out with our friends. When we 'break up' we go back to the tree and no one is there. We call, we email and we text - and we think we did our friend duty?

NO WAY.

I spent last year being a friend to a lot of people. I am worn out. Fed Up. And now it's their turn. I don't get it.

But what I am afraid of is my heart and soul getting so hardened by all this that I won't wanna be loved. At all. And that's a shame...

So look at yourself and your friends - are you matching or Swatching... ?

Forgiveness is a small word with a big dick

There I said it.

I hate to say this but back in the summer, I had to divorce a friend. Completely. I can't forgive him. AT ALL.

This might change I don't know.

But I will tell you I have a small feeling he will show up at my front door asking me to change my mind. I will not. If you want me to forgive you, you have to SHOW it. You can talk all you want but showing me will tell me all I need to know.

I know all religions, beliefs and even atheism tells us we have to say "I forgive you." in order to heal. I understand it. But here's my side, all talk - that's all it is. NO meat in the words, it's like when we say I love you to someone - casually. If I say it, I MEANT IT. I have been really careful about how I say this so I don't hurt myself and indeed I am probably too careful. I am to the point of snobbery. I don't like it, but I have to protect myself, and that includes exile if I have to. I can be in exile in a crowd. I can be in exile alone. Shit, I can exile love. Hand my vi .... (sorry a tad crass)

In today's world, we all are looking for self - self is part of another word - SELFISH. And that always means NOW. We all are living in a selfish world of now. I am, you are and we all are... now if we can just scream for ice cream, we are good to go. This is going to be a huge problem if it isn't already and we need to control ourselves to the point of silence.

I am reading four books now, not good I know but one is a daily book, another is a quote book and the other two thought books and oh yah I am reading a book that I almost shelved completely, a man's quest to find all his old records - not just copies but the ones he actually had. I don't see how he's gonna do it but let's see if I can connect all my thought books to this one.

I think I just did.

We are all on a quest to find happiness through something of our past, to take us into the future but not knowing the smell of cookies in the kitchen isn't all that.

I figure out the record book is like a journey to the past, no wait IT IS... to give us a future. When ALL we have to do is, remember, smile and keep traveling. I wanna to go back to the beach, when I had a great time, back in May. Will it make me happy? Maybe. Will I have a new journey back and forth, yes. Same road different map.

So back to my ex-friend. Do I forgive him? No, not until he's at my front door.

So I thought it was a kids toy...

So I got up this Saturday am and worked and then decided to take some ashes to the Chattahoochee River where he liked to go growing up and as he aged he'd go for blowing off steam and think.

The last time we went together it was Oct 5 2014 and he was skipping rocks. It was two days before his 50th Birthday. 

This time I had him in a ziploc bag and a water bottle to scatter him. 

I walked to the same spot along the river not thinking what was to happen next - at all. 

I noticed someting at the end of the small jetty and I thought it was a kids toy, maybe a pile of rocks stacked or maybe.... THIS.

A small Ganesha standing in the middle with yellow petals, incense and candles - had been lit at one point and then left behind. Ganesha is the one of the most widely recognized gods of the Hindu beliefs.

Here's a more formal answer: 

Ganesha is widely revered as the remover of obstacles, the patron of arts and sciences and the deva of intellect and wisdom. As the god of beginnings, he is honoured at the start of rituals and ceremonies. Ganesha is also invoked as patron of letters and learning during writing sessions.

So I had to look it up right? Well, all I could do was type in Hindu elephant. 

My mind stopped. I began to cry and cry... I didn't know what to do. I wanted to take it home. But I realized it wasn't mine. It was for me to be with for the moment but not 'steal' thinking bad luck or shame would be bestowed on me. 

I prayed with it, I touched its hand that is palm facing and I kissed it.


As I began to read about this Ganesha this afternoon I found out that is resides in the first chakra - Muladhara where your base is or your foundation is. It supports all the other chakras in our bodies... 
we carry a lot of stuff in ours. 

A formal meaning -  Root Chakra is located at the base of the spine and controls the energy for kinesthetic feeling and movement. It is the foundation of physical energy and spiritual energy for the body. So when someone says I got your back or your spineless... it's based on this very Chakra. If someone might say that person has a good foundation of life... boom - Muladhara - it is. 

I have been waiting for a sign for months and weeks about this transitional period I feel like this is the sign I've been waiting for. While I've been doing some soul searching and working with a business coach, I've been very sad at the same time. This journey has been hard but I've been working hard at it. I have lost a dear friend, a father in law, a husband and maybe a sock or two in the dryer. I have had to sit and wait for a long time to gain some kind of visual wisdom and understanding. 

As I walked around, crying and talking to him, I looked at the ground for something, a rock or a feather or something... I tried to skip rocks - can't do it. I found two rocks that I feel that are another sign of loss and headling... a half of a heart and a heart shaped - sorta. 

Then I made my way towards the under the bridge area where I scattered some more where I think he'd liked to be. I went and sat in a bench area but got restless and went on. I passed dog walkers, bikers and families... I had my sunglasses on so it helped to hide my pain and tears. But I also think there was a lot of joy in them tears. He's telling me that moving on is ok - he's in transition and I am too. He's been hanging with the monks I guess... 

So as I am walking around the river, a song is coming over me. 

Elvis Costello's "Peace, Love And Understanding" which was one of his faves. He'd sing at night and ask me how it sounded... fine I would tell him. 

Sigh. So after the Ganesha and the walk around, under the bridge, the bench break, I make my way to this smaller area where I could sit on a big rock and take my time. I blend him in the water and use a stick to swish it around - dissolving it. Ashes are hard to get to mix in with water sometimes especially when it's still water. 

As I got up to go, I am physically tired now, it's been an emotional healing roller coaster, I try to get up and my right leg slips and goes knee deep in the same spot that the ashes are ... as if he's saying move on but don't forget... 

I look up and I can see him slightly in my vision laughing. So now I am walking with him in my shoe, my sock and my jean leg - great. As I walk along the path again, I see life carrying on as it's supposed to. I see butterflies, puppies, children and falling leaves from the trees. I have been trying to read, pray and ask friends who don't know the answers to learn. No one knows what to say. It's impossible. 

This brings me to the end - I decide that I am going to go light the Ganesha candles, but I find out I can't. I don't have a way to make fire. 

Maybe next time right?

I get in the car and drive to the mall... I buy perfume and some lingerie. Retail Therapy is a must right? 

I really feel this is a huge relief to me and as I continue my healing and journey, I will really rely on my base, my foundation and my Muladhara. You can't read about it, you can only come upon it at the same place, the same river and on the same day Duane Allman died to get it. 

Happy October 29th. It's a new beginning... 

XO
JK

Silver Platters Aren't Really Silver

Silver Platters aren't really silver, are they?

So I asked, "what did the show Nashville do to get all that Nashville music involved in the show?"

I was told, by another woman, "it's cause they have a $10 Billion dollar music industry."

I bit my lip and said, "well there has to be a secret to it..."

But what I should've said was, "So?"

Why?
Cause it was the right answer. It would've challenged the woman to think.  Who cares if Nashville has a huge music industry... if you are trying to bring in the money and keep it in your home state try this... do whatever they did, twist it up and make it work. Don't cop out.

The state of Georiga has been a breeding ground to some of the best creative types around the world from Joanne Woodward to REM to Ray Charles to James Brown to Zac Brown to Sugarland to Lewis Grizzard to Hollis Gillespie to Jeff Foxworthy to Ludacris to TLC to Dallas Austin - too many others... Shit we have one of the biggest Hip-Hop meccas around!

Come on... we're talking about legendary folk - the kind only GA can make...

The Allman Brothers, Widespread Panic, John Mayer (for five mins), the symphonies around the state and too many transplants to list...

The songs that were written here? or about here? For here?
Shit we could even draw a line to Billy Joe Shaver - "Georgia On  A Fast Train"
Or Little Feat "Oh Atlanta"
Or Elton John
Drivin N Cryin
there's an opera singer somewhere... can't think of her name
Angie Aparo
the guy from Air Supply... the one that held one of the longest notes in a song?
Or John Mayer
Or Dave Cobb...

We have a state song about a man lusting after another woman.. you can't more country and blues than that...

Gosh, need I say more?

Do I need to pull out the Brendan O'Brien and Butch Walker cards? Do I?

So why not go to the backyard and get the music. Is it gonna be harder than Music Row? Maybe it might take a little bit of muscle to get it done. Take one movie or TV show and try it. We've got the resources - we've got the talent - why not?

And we don't need to go to a "ROW" to get it. It's easily accessible. All you gotta do is go to a music venue around and ask. Try maybe putting it in the contracts - record labels make you do it - just a thought.

But the community cuts it nose off to despite its face at times and we become too safe to try it. I used to encounter a lot of this when I first got here. So I stopped hanging with them - mainly due to a new job that I had and it took me around the world without even leaving the state. Now that I am on my own I am finding out, that the world is so small and yet it thinks it's huge... not to try it.

So what do I do?

That's something that's been coming up lately... how do I start the conga line? You ask the stupid questions... you challenge it all - by doing it myself?
Maybe... do I enlist the KISS army? or Bubba the Love Sponge's listeners? Perhaps...
Do I say a word to anyone... sorta.

We shall see... I told someone "Don't tell anyone what you are doing... just do it." I need to go back to that drawing board.

So why the silver platter analogy? Well, sometimes we expect a silver platter handed to us for we think we are special... well we aren't. Sorry. We become special when we do something spectacular - huge - big time - whatever your choice word is. Until then we are just a bunch of idiots trying to butt in line.

And to the owner of a huge music festival who prides itself in keeping it real within the state -
Question: "why did you go outside the state lines to get PR?"

Now I didn't ask that to him because it was after the "Nashville talk"... and that would've been tacky right?

Here's my dress - try it on.

Ok girls, if you think I'm a threat to your man, get over it.

Stop this high school nonsense.

Stop. it.

Now.

The reason why you are acting this way is cause you are insecure in your own self and relationship. If your man was gonna cheat he would've already done so. And not with me. Sorry.

I am gonna be honest about this: the next time your man dies and everyone you thought were friends of yours - both solo and or attached - drop out of your life in critical need - don't come crying to me. That's how I got and still get treated for it's stupid and sad and pathetic. Immature and lazy.

Actually - come over and I will show you how to be a friend. Yah kill you with kindness.

I'm not gonna say you deserve it, no one does but just remember the old blues song: