Taping My Mouth Shut

It's been about 3 1/2 months. And I'm learning to be uber quiet and not say a word to anyone about how I feel. I have to be careful. Shit flies around blue skies.


People talk. People walk.
Friends aren't friends.
People don't care. They just wanna be paid.

So I've arrived at a crossroads in this. Do I lash out? Be honest? Or just keep my mouth shut.

I am afraid I have to mix this one up and it all depends on the physics' advice. Put it in a box. Save it for a face to face. A guilt trip? A big let down? I dunno. I will see what the therapist says on Monday. I am sure I am fine. Just a tad disappointed.

I see my future as bright as soon as this astral energy goes away for now it's screwing with my mind. Makes me think horribly about people who are probably just too busy. I hate that. I mean I am too... but at least I call back. Sigh.

For instance, I have a huge 'crush' not a romantic one but just smitten with a new friend (a year or so old) who is so busy that I think he's not paying attention to what vibes he's sending out. I love him dearly, but I get that sinking feeling you know? I wanna walk into his office, slam the door and feed him a cupcake. Crazy it sounds, but it's a real true feeling.

I have another friend who has gone through the same thing as me, not as permanent but close. She gets it. But all she can do is what I did for her - pay attention. She had a similar situation where the ladies in her office wouldn't even invite her to lunch. They would walk past her and go. She was very hurt. I hope something hit them on the way out the door.

People are stupid. I am dumb. I get it. There's no way around it... oh wait there's that bottle of ....

Never ask a woman how much she weighs...

I'm not 800 pounds I'm like 115...

Never ask a woman how much she weighs... it's insulting. Ask her what colors she likes, patterns and fabrics. Maybe even designers. 

Never assume I'm gonna crash your party to the ground. I will if you want... but I don't want that so I will laugh, giggle and dance just like you. 

But I can level the playing field in 2.3 seconds. 

Never think "she's covered she's got plenty of friends." I would love to be your bridesmaid. Really. All 10 weddings. Let's just find a dye-able dress. 

I am not bad luck to have around. 

I will be your pocket piece, your cardinal, hawk and dove. 

I love being alone but not 'alone' ... Give me the chance to turn your invite down cause I've already gotten one earlier. 

I do the best retail therapy sessions around. 

Don't say "call me anytime" and not mean it. That's disgusting. 

The one thing you gotta remember, this is like a bad debt hanging over my head, a foreclosure in the newspaper or a tailgater locking bumpers on a two lane road. But it's all in my head. It's not in yours. 

It follows me everywhere. It creeps up on me anytime. And sometimes, it makes me mad when I'm met with silence. That hurts more than "I'm so sorry... anything I can do?"

While I want to be treated like usual. I don't know what that is, but I do know is, I'd rather not be reminded of the stuff in my head out on the street. 

This will be hard. I know it will be. Even though holidays didn't mean much but laying around catching up on sleep and watching movies, it looks like I'm in the dark for a while. 

And by the way, let me bring it up, not you.