Forgiveness is a small word with a big dick

There I said it.

I hate to say this but back in the summer, I had to divorce a friend. Completely. I can't forgive him. AT ALL.

This might change I don't know.

But I will tell you I have a small feeling he will show up at my front door asking me to change my mind. I will not. If you want me to forgive you, you have to SHOW it. You can talk all you want but showing me will tell me all I need to know.

I know all religions, beliefs and even atheism tells us we have to say "I forgive you." in order to heal. I understand it. But here's my side, all talk - that's all it is. NO meat in the words, it's like when we say I love you to someone - casually. If I say it, I MEANT IT. I have been really careful about how I say this so I don't hurt myself and indeed I am probably too careful. I am to the point of snobbery. I don't like it, but I have to protect myself, and that includes exile if I have to. I can be in exile in a crowd. I can be in exile alone. Shit, I can exile love. Hand my vi .... (sorry a tad crass)

In today's world, we all are looking for self - self is part of another word - SELFISH. And that always means NOW. We all are living in a selfish world of now. I am, you are and we all are... now if we can just scream for ice cream, we are good to go. This is going to be a huge problem if it isn't already and we need to control ourselves to the point of silence.

I am reading four books now, not good I know but one is a daily book, another is a quote book and the other two thought books and oh yah I am reading a book that I almost shelved completely, a man's quest to find all his old records - not just copies but the ones he actually had. I don't see how he's gonna do it but let's see if I can connect all my thought books to this one.

I think I just did.

We are all on a quest to find happiness through something of our past, to take us into the future but not knowing the smell of cookies in the kitchen isn't all that.

I figure out the record book is like a journey to the past, no wait IT IS... to give us a future. When ALL we have to do is, remember, smile and keep traveling. I wanna to go back to the beach, when I had a great time, back in May. Will it make me happy? Maybe. Will I have a new journey back and forth, yes. Same road different map.

So back to my ex-friend. Do I forgive him? No, not until he's at my front door.

So I thought it was a kids toy...

So I got up this Saturday am and worked and then decided to take some ashes to the Chattahoochee River where he liked to go growing up and as he aged he'd go for blowing off steam and think.

The last time we went together it was Oct 5 2014 and he was skipping rocks. It was two days before his 50th Birthday. 

This time I had him in a ziploc bag and a water bottle to scatter him. 

I walked to the same spot along the river not thinking what was to happen next - at all. 

I noticed someting at the end of the small jetty and I thought it was a kids toy, maybe a pile of rocks stacked or maybe.... THIS.

A small Ganesha standing in the middle with yellow petals, incense and candles - had been lit at one point and then left behind. Ganesha is the one of the most widely recognized gods of the Hindu beliefs.

Here's a more formal answer: 

Ganesha is widely revered as the remover of obstacles, the patron of arts and sciences and the deva of intellect and wisdom. As the god of beginnings, he is honoured at the start of rituals and ceremonies. Ganesha is also invoked as patron of letters and learning during writing sessions.

So I had to look it up right? Well, all I could do was type in Hindu elephant. 

My mind stopped. I began to cry and cry... I didn't know what to do. I wanted to take it home. But I realized it wasn't mine. It was for me to be with for the moment but not 'steal' thinking bad luck or shame would be bestowed on me. 

I prayed with it, I touched its hand that is palm facing and I kissed it.


As I began to read about this Ganesha this afternoon I found out that is resides in the first chakra - Muladhara where your base is or your foundation is. It supports all the other chakras in our bodies... 
we carry a lot of stuff in ours. 

A formal meaning -  Root Chakra is located at the base of the spine and controls the energy for kinesthetic feeling and movement. It is the foundation of physical energy and spiritual energy for the body. So when someone says I got your back or your spineless... it's based on this very Chakra. If someone might say that person has a good foundation of life... boom - Muladhara - it is. 

I have been waiting for a sign for months and weeks about this transitional period I feel like this is the sign I've been waiting for. While I've been doing some soul searching and working with a business coach, I've been very sad at the same time. This journey has been hard but I've been working hard at it. I have lost a dear friend, a father in law, a husband and maybe a sock or two in the dryer. I have had to sit and wait for a long time to gain some kind of visual wisdom and understanding. 

As I walked around, crying and talking to him, I looked at the ground for something, a rock or a feather or something... I tried to skip rocks - can't do it. I found two rocks that I feel that are another sign of loss and headling... a half of a heart and a heart shaped - sorta. 

Then I made my way towards the under the bridge area where I scattered some more where I think he'd liked to be. I went and sat in a bench area but got restless and went on. I passed dog walkers, bikers and families... I had my sunglasses on so it helped to hide my pain and tears. But I also think there was a lot of joy in them tears. He's telling me that moving on is ok - he's in transition and I am too. He's been hanging with the monks I guess... 

So as I am walking around the river, a song is coming over me. 

Elvis Costello's "Peace, Love And Understanding" which was one of his faves. He'd sing at night and ask me how it sounded... fine I would tell him. 

Sigh. So after the Ganesha and the walk around, under the bridge, the bench break, I make my way to this smaller area where I could sit on a big rock and take my time. I blend him in the water and use a stick to swish it around - dissolving it. Ashes are hard to get to mix in with water sometimes especially when it's still water. 

As I got up to go, I am physically tired now, it's been an emotional healing roller coaster, I try to get up and my right leg slips and goes knee deep in the same spot that the ashes are ... as if he's saying move on but don't forget... 

I look up and I can see him slightly in my vision laughing. So now I am walking with him in my shoe, my sock and my jean leg - great. As I walk along the path again, I see life carrying on as it's supposed to. I see butterflies, puppies, children and falling leaves from the trees. I have been trying to read, pray and ask friends who don't know the answers to learn. No one knows what to say. It's impossible. 

This brings me to the end - I decide that I am going to go light the Ganesha candles, but I find out I can't. I don't have a way to make fire. 

Maybe next time right?

I get in the car and drive to the mall... I buy perfume and some lingerie. Retail Therapy is a must right? 

I really feel this is a huge relief to me and as I continue my healing and journey, I will really rely on my base, my foundation and my Muladhara. You can't read about it, you can only come upon it at the same place, the same river and on the same day Duane Allman died to get it. 

Happy October 29th. It's a new beginning... 

XO
JK

Silver Platters Aren't Really Silver

Silver Platters aren't really silver, are they?

So I asked, "what did the show Nashville do to get all that Nashville music involved in the show?"

I was told, by another woman, "it's cause they have a $10 Billion dollar music industry."

I bit my lip and said, "well there has to be a secret to it..."

But what I should've said was, "So?"

Why?
Cause it was the right answer. It would've challenged the woman to think.  Who cares if Nashville has a huge music industry... if you are trying to bring in the money and keep it in your home state try this... do whatever they did, twist it up and make it work. Don't cop out.

The state of Georiga has been a breeding ground to some of the best creative types around the world from Joanne Woodward to REM to Ray Charles to James Brown to Zac Brown to Sugarland to Lewis Grizzard to Hollis Gillespie to Jeff Foxworthy to Ludacris to TLC to Dallas Austin - too many others... Shit we have one of the biggest Hip-Hop meccas around!

Come on... we're talking about legendary folk - the kind only GA can make...

The Allman Brothers, Widespread Panic, John Mayer (for five mins), the symphonies around the state and too many transplants to list...

The songs that were written here? or about here? For here?
Shit we could even draw a line to Billy Joe Shaver - "Georgia On  A Fast Train"
Or Little Feat "Oh Atlanta"
Or Elton John
Drivin N Cryin
there's an opera singer somewhere... can't think of her name
Angie Aparo
the guy from Air Supply... the one that held one of the longest notes in a song?
Or John Mayer
Or Dave Cobb...

We have a state song about a man lusting after another woman.. you can't more country and blues than that...

Gosh, need I say more?

Do I need to pull out the Brendan O'Brien and Butch Walker cards? Do I?

So why not go to the backyard and get the music. Is it gonna be harder than Music Row? Maybe it might take a little bit of muscle to get it done. Take one movie or TV show and try it. We've got the resources - we've got the talent - why not?

And we don't need to go to a "ROW" to get it. It's easily accessible. All you gotta do is go to a music venue around and ask. Try maybe putting it in the contracts - record labels make you do it - just a thought.

But the community cuts it nose off to despite its face at times and we become too safe to try it. I used to encounter a lot of this when I first got here. So I stopped hanging with them - mainly due to a new job that I had and it took me around the world without even leaving the state. Now that I am on my own I am finding out, that the world is so small and yet it thinks it's huge... not to try it.

So what do I do?

That's something that's been coming up lately... how do I start the conga line? You ask the stupid questions... you challenge it all - by doing it myself?
Maybe... do I enlist the KISS army? or Bubba the Love Sponge's listeners? Perhaps...
Do I say a word to anyone... sorta.

We shall see... I told someone "Don't tell anyone what you are doing... just do it." I need to go back to that drawing board.

So why the silver platter analogy? Well, sometimes we expect a silver platter handed to us for we think we are special... well we aren't. Sorry. We become special when we do something spectacular - huge - big time - whatever your choice word is. Until then we are just a bunch of idiots trying to butt in line.

And to the owner of a huge music festival who prides itself in keeping it real within the state -
Question: "why did you go outside the state lines to get PR?"

Now I didn't ask that to him because it was after the "Nashville talk"... and that would've been tacky right?

Here's my dress - try it on.

Ok girls, if you think I'm a threat to your man, get over it.

Stop this high school nonsense.

Stop. it.

Now.

The reason why you are acting this way is cause you are insecure in your own self and relationship. If your man was gonna cheat he would've already done so. And not with me. Sorry.

I am gonna be honest about this: the next time your man dies and everyone you thought were friends of yours - both solo and or attached - drop out of your life in critical need - don't come crying to me. That's how I got and still get treated for it's stupid and sad and pathetic. Immature and lazy.

Actually - come over and I will show you how to be a friend. Yah kill you with kindness.

I'm not gonna say you deserve it, no one does but just remember the old blues song:

Growing up what I was taught and what I have learned so far sometimes matched and sometimes don't -- so here's to matching stripes and plaids!

That we should enjoy life for we don't know when it will end.
Never live your life in fear.
Fear and Faith don't live in the same heart.
Follow your gut - think with your heart.
Save your pennies for you might need them one day.
Eat all the cookies if you want to. Just don't do it every day.
Get the oil changed every 3K miles
Look both ways when crossing the street.
Don't tease your brother.
And Jesus loves all the little children - even if you are 75
Bucket Lists are meant for making over and over again.

And
my favorite -
Walk on the wild side.

Take a listen to this: 

https://vimeo.com/176370337?ref=fb-share&1 

This is what happens when I listen to a Lori McKenna album...

If  stop signs were meant to really stop; we would. And yet yield signs seem like they are just wave-by gestures.

He would say there are no coincidences in life. It's life in purest of form.

So I get this sign one night that all my worlds in the past years have collided into one word: Learning.

Learning to be alone, learning to let go of stuff, friends, family and yet learning to eat alone at restaurants is the easiest thing to do. I don't mind going to parties solo either for I have a good exit plan now. Walk steadily, touch a person, saying nothing and push the door open with one hand - totally textbook style.

But learning these things go away and understand that it could come back in another format is like Karma speaking to me. Like going away in Mp3 coming back in vinyl.

Learning is one of those things that we thought we were done with after college graduation. But oh no, the education has just begun. The bucket lists are crumbled up in the trashcan, the kids are driving you nuts, bills are piling up and all you wanna do is paint. Yet there is no end in sight it just keeps changing, as we learn about how to live. If you have reached the finish line, you're dead.

You find out not everything is your fault - it's just the way things are and that truth will hit the fan in a minute. Make sure you wear a shield of armour if you don't wanna feel the pain.

I'm trying to be authentic which is hard in a fairy tale world where hopes and dreams are like paper airplanes, flimsy and fly downward only to hit the ground to bend at the nose. I wish this learning had a curve, maybe to cut me slack.

SO now what? (that by the way was my first idea for my PR firm's name - can you hear the phones? "Now what?!" kinda like this old PR firm called "Joe's Garage" - that would flip me out, cause I really thought I called a car mechanic)

What now maybe should be the correct question: well, let's break it down, what is now a subject - so maybe that's a list of things we are crossing off and now is a timely matter - now could be in 5 seconds or 5 years. Maybe there's nothing to do at the moment. Maybe that's where I learn something new like, sit down and shut up.

But here's the kicker... did you know what we learned at the age of 5 stays with all our lives? Yeah so sharing the sandbox is the most important thing to do.

i said single and meant it...

it felt ok and weird at the same time.

I will play the w card if I have to.

If I could order a man at a restaurant - I would want a healthy, able, sound mind and body... like parents who are expecting. I don't want to settle.

I will and refuse to settle.

Get that boys?

don't piss off the sound man

before your show.

It's sage advice when a musician or a band is starting to play live shows. Get half your money up front - tip the staff  and don't piss off the sound man.
It's been handed down for years. It works when you don't and it works when you do.
As I make my way through my new business and I am the face of a lot of people and several times
this year I have had to make an ugly face.

It's the kind that my mother would say "what if you froze like that."
Yah.

Trust is a huge issue for me - always has been.

I tell no one everything, someone nothing, and everyone something.

But I leave out names, places and checking accounts I have to - I'm in the mafia.

I have been slammed, screwed, exposed and I don't like it anymore.

So now that the soundman - meaning me - the stage will be dark til I said so.

I re-wired my halo...

Wow what a difference it makes with a little bit of hope and some TLC.
I think I made a difference the other day.

I finally told a friend that no one calls. He wrote back in his messy handwriting telling me hang in there and continue my journey.

It was the sweetest thing that I have read in a long long time.

He has good bones.
Good structure to his mind, soul and heart.
He's got a good smile and laugh.
I just sit and giggle.

I ran into some of my artist friends, and they were gushing over the fact I looked so good. I am thinking is this after I let the air out of the bag? Did it make my skin glow? My halo come back? I mean it had a short in it... I did dye my hair and go to the beach so maybe it's the summer air.

I felt good about talking to my dear friend about this and he gave me another key. A key of knowledge that I don't really think ahout. Love from above - I'm not a religious person for any one can be religious about anything but being spiritual is the center of it all. My mother rubs it in all the time. In fact I got another "book" from her and I just tossed it aside. Knowing me I will pick it up and read it and cry.

So as I tell my mom, I will go back soon... once I figure it out. IT being - me not bursting into flames...

This process is a gonna take a lot longer than I thought. I may never get through it 100% but at least I know I can tell people easier than I thought how I feel. I hate to be "mean" but it's just been heartbreaking to deal with such rejection for lack of a better word. I can deal with death a 100 times over. The silence is harder than anything. It's like a high school silent treatment on steroids.

So I get told by another friend of mine, you will see you are loved - etc... ugh. Yah? Well... I don't believe it, I say. This was months ago.

And again, I PROMISE. I won't be the Debbie Downer or the 800LB Elephant or the party-pooper... only if you make me.

I put on my shields of armour. and didn't shower or wash my hair.

Well now we begin a new chapter... or verse or inning 

So yesterday was the year marker. #oneyear

It seems like it was years ago and weeks ago at the same time. 

I drove to The Cherokee Indian Reservation and back. 

It was a pretty day and traffic was easy. 

I got up there and traveled to the top where the Village was - a place to see how the Cherokee Tribe lived. And drove up a side curve and I think I spotted a tombstone markers - so I stopped and I chickened out going up there and just scattered some ashes in a corner. I poured water and dirt over him - I pretended I was trying to find something in my car and pouring out water bottles. 

I was protected with prayer, Indian cedar beads, a St Michael medal and my wing necklace. As I drove through the Smoky Mountains, I saw rafting businesses I recalled our trips as a child to the area. As I drove the two lane roads at times, I felt like I was driving through India. Narrow and curving with a drop off with the creeks. There were times when I had no service and it freaked me out, thinking I didn't pay the bill. 

So as I made my way I keep following the google GPS and I was not paying attention to the HUGE sign that said CHEROKEE INDIAN RESERVATION so I swung a hard right. As I traveled down the road I eye balled places to scatter ashes - one was Oconaluftee River which you are able to fish in. SO I took that as a sign it was ok. 

I drive up the side towards the village as I said before and scattered some and then more at a small babbling creek. I went into the Village gift shop and asked about possible urns or something. They recommended a wedding vase which looks like a heart. So it was perfect - red clay and native made. 

He will feel safe and sound. 

I saw beautiful baskets and bead work. But the Tribe was probably the first recycling plant. So when I threw my bottle away I thought now that's recycling right there. 

I am taking a native and putting him the hallowed ground and then putting him back in the trash to be recycled. I wonder what he will come back as. 

 Oconaluftee River 

So as I am doing this I say I hope you are happy and feel good. I love you - in various ways. This was very healing for me. It took a lot of time and effort to do this. I know he knows this. 

All I can think of is how proud that Steed was of this side of his heritage. He had a keen sense of direction, a good smell of character and walked steady. I couldn't crawl out of a paper bag. 

But what I couldn't figure out was what clan he was a part of so 

I bought a bowl of all 7 heads. 

It dropped while in bubble wrap and it got busted - red clay doesn't chip like china, it goes back to powder. So, the bruise landed in between two heads. So I would love to know which one he would be a part of.  But with not many family members left it might be hard. So I will go with the ones that were at the chip. 

Sometimes magic happens and you can't explain. 

I went to another gallery shop to see if I could find something else, but really couldn't afford some of the prices. So, I went on my journey. I rode to the river area and parked. I sat on a pile of rock and near a tree stump. I buried him under some rocks and then I was sitting in the sun, I began to cry and I looked down and saw this rock first. 

I took it as a sign that he was happy. 

I tried to keep in mind that I was on hallowed ground and sometimes you just to feel - sit still and feel the wind breeze by. I knew a lot of natives died there especially during the Trail Of Tears. This is where I tell the story - basically, one of the daughters of a Chief hid in the woods to keep from going and she eventually married one of Steed's great uncles. This happened more so than one would think. 

So I wanted to drive up to the top of the mountain but that's gonna be another time. I just wanted to do something on his year. 

I finally found it. 

After about 2 hours there, it was time to leave - The whole time I was walking about I was trying to recall a restaurant that we ate at the only time we went to the area. As I was driving I saw familiar white clapboard houses and it hit me it was there. Me being a city driver just did a sudden U Turn and pulled into the lot. I was there. The place where you brought your beer in a paper bag. It was a Greek place now, but I asked the waitress about it and she went to ask and said it was the Dillsboro Smokehouse - I was eating at the place! So while I had a beer and ate a Greek salad and some melt in your mouth fried chicken I cried. The waitress brought more napkins. She saw me to the illegal move too. 

So the whole trip was great - integrated with some great text chats with friends. One is going through a hard break up and the other is going to be a pirate soon. I love them both. Then a call with two very close friends - one who knows the signs mean something and the other one who keeps Steed in his ice box for safe keeping. Then I topped off the night with some wine and a long talk with my parents who sped all the way down to be with me that next day after he left me. And of course work stuff just like it did that very day a year ago. 

So today starts my new year - this is my New Year's Day. Will things change - no not really. Just I get to say this is the second time... I am carrying the Cherokee Indian ritual of the widow of not bathing or washing or brushing my hair. Once I am ready today I will. 

Love you to following initials. Some of them were the same folks I was talking to that very day. 

DA
DC
JH

NC

RW

AB

FK

As for my Wish bracelet - I put it on this morning and while I was in the shower it came off. I wished for something and as the belief goes, it may come true if I believe in it. Maybe the quicker it falls off and the sooner the wish will come true?

He went for a walk, a ride in the car and went shopping

And he loved it.
I took Steed to Nashville and took him to all the spots he loved.
He played The Bluebird Cafe, Exit/In, Stages and while he didn't love the BMI offices in Nashville, that's where he has his songs.
I took him to lower Broadway and said goodbye on the pedestrian bridge where a lot of country music videos have been filmed. We had looked at apartments along the river there.
He went to the Johnny Cash Museum and watched me buy a trendy CASH tee. He cringed I am sure.
He went to the women's bathroom and the dressing rooms. I felt good about it.

The Bluebird Cafe

He was happy in Nashville.
He felt wanted there.
He felt comfortable there.
He wanted to move there and we almost did 16 years ago.
But again, plans changed once his mother died and his father asked if we'd move in with him.
So here I am making pilgrimages to Music City and leaving him there.
He will prosper and his energy will give me hope.
He's given me new everything cause he wanted me to be happy and successful.

BMI - where they told him to dumb his songs down.
Thank GOD
for DC who believed him so much in ATL.

I think if I just follow his light and Cherokee sense of direction I will be ok. I will take him again I am sure. I need to take him to a few more places...

The big Grand Ol' Opry where he played last, Gruehn's guitars and I gotta find the place where he did a showcase with Liberty Jones and someone said to him "Slept Like A Baby - I Cried All Night" and he told that to Roger Mathis and he wrote the song from that.

Things happened for Steed like nowhere else.
Maybe that's a hint.

He met John Lomax there and he told
him to call Mark Pucci - which led him to me. 

Liberty Jones played here and he called me
from the pay phone to tell me all these Vandy girls
where flirting with him. I told him I didn't need to hear that.

He played here and his friend Allen worked there.

A resting place.

Two more weeks... and we will go for another ride.

... but plans fell through.

It would've been 18 years today

This time last year we were getting our laminate floors put in on our Anniversary/Easter Sunday. Steed stayed upstairs to be out of the way.

It was a fresh start - new floors and 17 years of marriage. We were looking forward to a weekend in Macon with Royal Southern Brotherhood where he told the backstage cops he was a serial killer.

So all we had in front of us was some healing time for him and building up my business for me.

We had no idea what was to happen in 25 days.

NONE.


We never really did much for our wedding anniversary at all. No dinners, sometimes a trip, or maybe a gift or card or two.

I remember our wedding day - I went to bed at 8:30 the night before at my parents house in VA. We had already gone to the marriage license the day before - we laughed about the mere fact we could just drive off and not do the wedding... we were already "married".

My mom and I went to get our hair done. My hair is miles long so the hairdresser just rolled up in little buns all on top of my head. Nothing else she could do.

I had a great day but my back hurt. Hmmmmm
So we carried on, everything when as planned - 2PM on Saturday, April 4th - I walked down the aisle to Pacabel's Cannon In D. Hated the bride's march.
The pastor whom I'd know since I was 12 married us, we had to go through marriage therapy for it. They didn't cover the issue of if you were to die early... Hope Floats right?
So Pastor Jones got to my vows and I was crying too much to say them.
So he said we will just say "Ditto"
I would kid Steed about not being married cause I didn't say them.

Steed would say you were crying cause I was marrying him. Like I didn't want to.

So we drove off to the car wash to get the stuff off the rental car, I had changed into a black/red suit and I think he was in Jeans.

I think.

So my back is still hurting.  hmm mmm

So we got on the plane to go back to Atl to drive to my grandmother's condo on Daytona Beach and my best friend had called the airlines to get the flight attendants to wish us Happy Honeymoon after they did the how to do this if we crash stuff...
So everyone on the plane clapped and cheered. It was fun.

On Sunday, we went to the Boot Hill Saloon and laughed at the panties and bras hanging from the ceiling.

Then on Monday, we went to Universal Studios. I was pale, back hurting and so on. We were in line somewhere... and I about fainted. Steed took me to the ER where I was diagnosed with a severe UTI that put me in bed for a week. I had the bridal UTI - but mine was steroids.
SO I took this huge brown pill and stayed in bed and we left that Thursday two days before we were supposed to. Thank God we were at my grandmother's condo - which was a gift from her.

So fast forward throughout the years, we always had plans, dreams and hopes.

Plans to move to Nashville fell through because Steed's mom died and his dad asked us to live with him. So we had an instant home ownership and had that plan re-routed. Then Steed had dreams of being a successful songwriter - he was but not it wasn't enough for him. I had dreams that I was living and doing. Hopes for the future after his dad moved out of the house, after 15 years into a nursing home. We hoped to fix the home and grow my biz and get more songs recorded and travel...
The last thing Steed was looking at was staying on the beach in the summer so we could relax. Never made it.

So for the next few weeks while I make my way through a lot of work, 10 CD releases from March to September. A few trips and a lot of writing to do. But I will be doing little things to honor Steed I won't post or talk about them until I am done.

Today is sweet and bitter - I am crying here and there. I even thought of a cool thing to do with my wedding dress. The picture up above is me at my final fitting at the wedding shop. Today I am starting a detox cleanse, today I have to clean up litter boxes, today I have to clean clothes... a lot of cleaning up to do.

I have had to learn to be friends with myself, not get too angry, roll with the punches and not say a word. But today I am.

But since our honeymoon went south we always vowed to do another one. But Plans fell through.

I hate Valentine's Day. For a very good reason

This time, last year Steed was still alive.
This time, last year he was home.
Back from the hospital on the road to recovery.

I always mark Valentine's day when recalling the events of last year.

We hated Valentine's Day.
We never 'celebrated' it.

This year I am alone.
I have no one.
Do I need anyone?
Do I want anyone?

No.
Yeah
But not now

It's not time yet.

My body's menstrual cycle has stopped. I have no clue why. I bravely made an appointment to find out why. February 25. I hope it's nothing bad.

I hate going to the gynecologist. I've been regular since I was 12 so this is scary. I have done everything by myself for a long time but always had Steed to fall back on. And like some thing's Steed took care of. He took care of the taxes, negotiating percentages on mortgages, dealing with people that would cause me harm. But when looking back at things - I protected him more. So maybe I am good at it. I just some more practice.

So now I have no one to back me up - no one to have my back... I can't count on anyone but myself.

I have no protection now.
I am my own.
I don't fight well.
I would make a horrible lawyer in a courtroom.
I am trying.

I am trying to enjoy life as it is.

A few things I know I can do:

1-work with a dead body in my house
2-work with a dead body in my bed
3-find a dead body
4-try to save a dead body
5-work with traumatic events like finding a dead body.
6-plan a funeral with that dead body.
7-live without that dead body
8-eat without that dead body.
9-laugh without that dead body.
10-sleep without that dead body.

But the trick is this - and I would challenge anyone on this:

11-I can walk into a room without telling anyone about the dead body but not know who knows and who doesn't. Which is pretty brave if you think about it.

How do you get to Carnegie Hall?
You got it... Practice, Practice, Practice.

Keep flapping your wings...

This morning I woke up with these two songs in my head: "Live Like You Were Dying" and "One Way Ticket" both songs that were big hits for Tim McGraw and LeAnn Rimes but both are about deeper things...

Too many things have happened since 4/29/2015 and I don't recall them all like I thought I would. But the emotions are there. I was raw, I was angry, I was happy and I was realistic. 

I had to be. 

In about 11 days, it will be 9 months. I could've had a baby in that time period. I will have 3 months to go for a full year. 

That will be my New Year's. Not Jan 1st like everyone else. But Friday 4/29/2016. That will be the day I can say whatever I want. Do whatever I want. 

Right? 

Sure. Anything. 

I dream big. I talk a big what if. I think that what if all the way through til it's exhausted. I think the proper word would be analyze but let's say dream instead. 

To dream is more romantic. 

I look at pictures of far away, down the street, up the road and across the country. I imagine life there. My life? Maybe. 

Because I bought a one way ticket, on a west bound train - to see how far I could go - 

because I know I will die one day and I don't want a what if to be in my way. 

I loved my husband I really did. But I will still love him. But he's not here anymore. So I have to talk to someone I don't know. 

OR give thanks about today and wish for a better tomorrow: "Like tomorrow was a gift / And ya got eternity to think about what to do with it" 

BUT it comes in hours so don't think too hard. 

I used to be routine. I am not anymore. I do what I want. When I want. I don't report anyone. But myself. I hold my head up high. I don't look down. Only when I am wearing pretty shoes. 

And someone says "I love your shoes..." 

I say thanks, but I THINK - yeah they are taking me somewhere... for something to meet anyone and to say everything. 

And just like my note from The Universe said... 

Sometimes I think the world is out to get me...

I hate it to say but she's right. 

Boy am I glad I read that...

My mom is great. She's an honorary Jew for when she lived in Washington DC proper she lived in a Jewish neighborhood. She learned how to negotiate, hustle and make potato pancakes from scratch.

That's me, my little brother and my grandmother - when I was 25 

She told me you can be whatever you want because I was limited. Being a young mother, divorced back in the 60s,  all she could be was a teacher, a nurse or a secretary.

Her mom worked in that red house Victorian style looking building in DC - the old Dept of Agriculture and to this day, I don't recall her having any plants in the house. Nor pets.

Anyways.




But what my mom has become since my husband's death is worried, worried and more worried. Asks me about my money, my health and my cats.

But what she fails to ask is: how are you friends treating you.

Well, here it goes. I have about 5 of them here in town, that I can call on and not have to go through the laundry list of what's been going on since 4/29. I have to do a lot of reaching out so I hope my 5 pals aren't sick of me. Yet.

That's fine now, but looking back on it I was in shock.

And what I have been telling my therapist, my BFF since I was 12 and my other dear friend in Colorado - "I would hate to have to explain a year to them after the year had been completed."
The year meaning the year after my husband's death and the year that I set aside to grieve and honor my husband because they didn't care enough to reach out to me...

I don't expect dinner at the Palms or a cruise on the Italian coastline... but I don't expect to be shunned because they didn't know WHAT to say... hello! is good... how are you? is fine and no you don't have to bring it up. It's not ugly it's life.

Mom zip lines only cause roller coasters
bore her. 

So mom says one day on the phone: "maybe you will have to make new friends."

At 46 (almost); that's a scary thing think of. Yikes. I mean what would talk about? Boys? Make-up? Our zits?

Death and Taxes. You can't dodge them.

People are acting like I've done something wrong. I've done nothing wrong folks. But I feel like I'm paying the price on behalf of your ego.

So my mom sends me these books on grieving - fine so does the pastor at the church that we are members of that we've not set foot in due to my husband's bad heath and yet they remember me.

Huh?

Ok fine. Got it. I guess I won't go ablaze after all.

BUT what this one book says, about understanding your friends is that some will forsake you. Some will say hurtful things... if they could only know one thing; what you don't say is louder than what you might say that you think is hurtful but don't so you say nothing thinking it's a better idea...

Yeah eating a Snickers and drinking a diet coke is not cancelation of calories... it's a cover up.

And yeah I have validation now.

Thanks, mom. I'm glad you sent it to me, for I left it at your home cause I was tired of reading them.