i said single and meant it...

it felt ok and weird at the same time.

I will play the w card if I have to.

If I could order a man at a restaurant - I would want a healthy, able, sound mind and body... like parents who are expecting. I don't want to settle.

I will and refuse to settle.

Get that boys?

don't piss off the sound man

before your show.

It's sage advice when a musician or a band is starting to play live shows. Get half your money up front - tip the staff  and don't piss off the sound man.
It's been handed down for years. It works when you don't and it works when you do.
As I make my way through my new business and I am the face of a lot of people and several times
this year I have had to make an ugly face.

It's the kind that my mother would say "what if you froze like that."
Yah.

Trust is a huge issue for me - always has been.

I tell no one everything, someone nothing, and everyone something.

But I leave out names, places and checking accounts I have to - I'm in the mafia.

I have been slammed, screwed, exposed and I don't like it anymore.

So now that the soundman - meaning me - the stage will be dark til I said so.

I re-wired my halo...

Wow what a difference it makes with a little bit of hope and some TLC.
I think I made a difference the other day.

I finally told a friend that no one calls. He wrote back in his messy handwriting telling me hang in there and continue my journey.

It was the sweetest thing that I have read in a long long time.

He has good bones.
Good structure to his mind, soul and heart.
He's got a good smile and laugh.
I just sit and giggle.

I ran into some of my artist friends, and they were gushing over the fact I looked so good. I am thinking is this after I let the air out of the bag? Did it make my skin glow? My halo come back? I mean it had a short in it... I did dye my hair and go to the beach so maybe it's the summer air.

I felt good about talking to my dear friend about this and he gave me another key. A key of knowledge that I don't really think ahout. Love from above - I'm not a religious person for any one can be religious about anything but being spiritual is the center of it all. My mother rubs it in all the time. In fact I got another "book" from her and I just tossed it aside. Knowing me I will pick it up and read it and cry.

So as I tell my mom, I will go back soon... once I figure it out. IT being - me not bursting into flames...

This process is a gonna take a lot longer than I thought. I may never get through it 100% but at least I know I can tell people easier than I thought how I feel. I hate to be "mean" but it's just been heartbreaking to deal with such rejection for lack of a better word. I can deal with death a 100 times over. The silence is harder than anything. It's like a high school silent treatment on steroids.

So I get told by another friend of mine, you will see you are loved - etc... ugh. Yah? Well... I don't believe it, I say. This was months ago.

And again, I PROMISE. I won't be the Debbie Downer or the 800LB Elephant or the party-pooper... only if you make me.