Monday, January 18, 2016

Keep flapping your wings...

This morning I woke up with these two songs in my head: "Live Like You Were Dying" and "One Way Ticket" both songs that were big hits for Tim McGraw and LeAnn Rimes but both are about deeper things...

Too many things have happened since 4/29/2015 and I don't recall them all like I thought I would. But the emotions are there. I was raw, I was angry, I was happy and I was realistic. 
I had to be. 

In about 11 days, it will be 9 months. I could've had a baby in that time period. I will have 3 months to go for a full year. 

That will be my New Year's. Not Jan 1st like everyone else. But Friday 4/29/2016. That will be the day I can say whatever I want. Do whatever I want. 

Right? 

Sure. Anything. 

I dream big. I talk a big what if. I think that what if all the way through til it's exhausted. I think the proper word would be analyze but let's say dream instead. 

To dream is more romantic. 

I look at pictures of far away, down the street, up the road and across the country. I imagine life there. My life? Maybe. 

Because I bought a one way ticket, on a west bound train - to see how far I could go - 
because I know I will die one day and I don't want a what if to be in my way. 


I loved my husband I really did. But I will still love him. But he's not here anymore. So I have to talk to someone I don't know. 

OR give thanks about today and wish for a better tomorrow: "Like tomorrow was a gift / And ya got eternity to think about what to do with it" 

BUT it comes in hours so don't think too hard. 

I used to be routine. I am not anymore. I do what I want. When I want. I don't report anyone. But myself. I hold my head up high. I don't look down. Only when I am wearing pretty shoes. 

And someone says "I love your shoes..." 

I say thanks, but I THINK - yeah they are taking me somewhere... for something to meet anyone and to say everything. 

And just like my note from The Universe said... 

Friday, January 8, 2016

Sometimes I think the world is out to get me...


I hate it to say but she's right. 


Monday, January 4, 2016

Boy am I glad I read that...

My mom is great. She's an honorary Jew for when she lived in Washington DC proper she lived in a Jewish neighborhood. She learned how to negotiate, hustle and make potato pancakes from scratch.

That's me, my little brother and my grandmother - when I was 25 

She told me you can be whatever you want because I was limited. Being a young mother, divorced back in the 60s,  all she could be was a teacher, a nurse or a secretary.

Her mom worked in that red house Victorian style looking building in DC - the old Dept of Agriculture and to this day, I don't recall her having any plants in the house. Nor pets.

Anyways.




But what my mom has become since my husband's death is worried, worried and more worried. Asks me about my money, my health and my cats.

But what she fails to ask is: how are you friends treating you.

Well, here it goes. I have about 5 of them here in town, that I can call on and not have to go through the laundry list of what's been going on since 4/29. I have to do a lot of reaching out so I hope my 5 pals aren't sick of me. Yet.

That's fine now, but looking back on it I was in shock.

And what I have been telling my therapist, my BFF since I was 12 and my other dear friend in Colorado - "I would hate to have to explain a year to them after the year had been completed."
The year meaning the year after my husband's death and the year that I set aside to grieve and honor my husband because they didn't care enough to reach out to me...

I don't expect dinner at the Palms or a cruise on the Italian coastline... but I don't expect to be shunned because they didn't know WHAT to say... hello! is good... how are you? is fine and no you don't have to bring it up. It's not ugly it's life.

Mom zip lines only cause roller coasters
bore her. 
So mom says one day on the phone: "maybe you will have to make new friends."

At 46 (almost); that's a scary thing think of. Yikes. I mean what would talk about? Boys? Make-up? Our zits?

Death and Taxes. You can't dodge them.

People are acting like I've done something wrong. I've done nothing wrong folks. But I feel like I'm paying the price on behalf of your ego.

So my mom sends me these books on grieving - fine so does the pastor at the church that we are members of that we've not set foot in due to my husband's bad heath and yet they remember me.

Huh?

Ok fine. Got it. I guess I won't go ablaze after all.

BUT what this one book says, about understanding your friends is that some will forsake you. Some will say hurtful things... if they could only know one thing; what you don't say is louder than what you might say that you think is hurtful but don't so you say nothing thinking it's a better idea...

Yeah eating a Snickers and drinking a diet coke is not cancelation of calories... it's a cover up.

And yeah I have validation now.

Thanks, mom. I'm glad you sent it to me, for I left it at your home cause I was tired of reading them.