Saturday, February 13, 2016

I hate Valentine's Day. For a very good reason

This time, last year Steed was still alive.
This time, last year he was home.
Back from the hospital on the road to recovery.

I always mark Valentine's day when recalling the events of last year.

We hated Valentine's Day.
We never 'celebrated' it.

This year I am alone.
I have no one.
Do I need anyone?
Do I want anyone?

But not now

It's not time yet.

My body's menstrual cycle has stopped. I have no clue why. I bravely made an appointment to find out why. February 25. I hope it's nothing bad.

I hate going to the gynecologist. I've been regular since I was 12 so this is scary. I have done everything by myself for a long time but always had Steed to fall back on. And like some thing's Steed took care of. He took care of the taxes, negotiating percentages on mortgages, dealing with people that would cause me harm. But when looking back at things - I protected him more. So maybe I am good at it. I just some more practice.

So now I have no one to back me up - no one to have my back... I can't count on anyone but myself.

I have no protection now.
I am my own.
I don't fight well.
I would make a horrible lawyer in a courtroom.
I am trying.

I am trying to enjoy life as it is.

A few things I know I can do:

1-work with a dead body in my house
2-work with a dead body in my bed
3-find a dead body
4-try to save a dead body
5-work with traumatic events like finding a dead body.
6-plan a funeral with that dead body.
7-live without that dead body
8-eat without that dead body.
9-laugh without that dead body.
10-sleep without that dead body.

But the trick is this - and I would challenge anyone on this:

11-I can walk into a room without telling anyone about the dead body but not know who knows and who doesn't. Which is pretty brave if you think about it.

How do you get to Carnegie Hall?
You got it... Practice, Practice, Practice.