Tuesday, January 17, 2017

I have the blue velvet cake blues: I can't be with him and it hurts

Taking sides can slice you deli thin: I am in love and I can't say it out loud. I am walking about with my heart on a leash. I have dreams about it and I can't let go. I wish it would go away. So please go away... But before you leave: 
I love you. 

Tuesday, January 10, 2017


I doesn't feel right
The lights are too bright
I'm feeling uptight in my sensual world
I need to be you
I need to breathe too
I need to see through life
With these sensitive words
I could blame it on you
I could blame it on my instincts
I could blame it on the train to the plane
The boat to the shore
So tell me what's the answer
No trouble in my face
There's not one anxious voice
You know I can't listen
I can't listen
You say that you are everything
Do you taste good
So c'mon, c'mon, c'mon
C'mon, c'mon, c'mon
No air around me
I need to feel free
I'm private property
In my sensual world
No indecisions
I have a vision
There's no collision there
With these sensitive words

Thursday, December 22, 2016

I lose my senses when I am around him...

Wishing for things can be hazardrous to your heart 

This song says exactly how I feel right now but it I don't know if it applies to me. I have a huge crush on someone and I wish I could tell him. 

I go back over our conversations and texts and emails to see if I did something wrong or was I playing too hard to get? Would I lose the friendship if I got sex involved? 

I am one of those people that can't or have a hard time letting go that it makes me ill? I feel fine - kinda feel like I slept in one position last night. I think about him night and day wondering if he feels the same - there are days I think he does then it flips back in my face. I can't tell him anything in fear of being rejected... I have had dreams about him - this hard folks....

He's a beautiful man - good family foundation, great outlook on life and smart and funny... sigh. As Dot from Animaniacs would say, "he's dreeaaaammmy!" 

I get frustrated with this and walk away for awhile watching him float about the room. The last time I was on a date was 1996 and I got married. Fast forward to stuff, and I think how the hell am I supposed to do this... do I make a move first? do I say something? What if I say something and he rejects it... and yet there is a reason for all this right? So I ask God - "why am I thinking about him all the time - is there a reason for this? and if not...please let me be!" 

I can't take another letdown... it's been a hard few years. It would feel like a sucker punch. 

Your publicist

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Forgiveness is a small word with a big dick

There I said it.

I hate to say this but back in the summer, I had to divorce a friend. Completely. I can't forgive him. AT ALL.

This might change I don't know.

But I will tell you I have a small feeling he will show up at my front door asking me to change my mind. I will not. If you want me to forgive you, you have to SHOW it. You can talk all you want but showing me will tell me all I need to know.

I know all religions, beliefs and even atheism tells us we have to say "I forgive you." in order to heal. I understand it. But here's my side, all talk - that's all it is. NO meat in the words, it's like when we say I love you to someone - casually. If I say it, I MEANT IT. I have been really careful about how I say this so I don't hurt myself and indeed I am probably too careful. I am to the point of snobbery. I don't like it, but I have to protect myself, and that includes exile if I have to. I can be in exile in a crowd. I can be in exile alone. Shit, I can exile love. Hand my vi .... (sorry a tad crass)

In today's world, we all are looking for self - self is part of another word - SELFISH. And that always means NOW. We all are living in a selfish world of now. I am, you are and we all are... now if we can just scream for ice cream, we are good to go. This is going to be a huge problem if it isn't already and we need to control ourselves to the point of silence.

I am reading four books now, not good I know but one is a daily book, another is a quote book and the other two thought books and oh yah I am reading a book that I almost shelved completely, a man's quest to find all his old records - not just copies but the ones he actually had. I don't see how he's gonna do it but let's see if I can connect all my thought books to this one.

I think I just did.

We are all on a quest to find happiness through something of our past, to take us into the future but not knowing the smell of cookies in the kitchen isn't all that.

I figure out the record book is like a journey to the past, no wait IT IS... to give us a future. When ALL we have to do is, remember, smile and keep traveling. I wanna to go back to the beach, when I had a great time, back in May. Will it make me happy? Maybe. Will I have a new journey back and forth, yes. Same road different map.

So back to my ex-friend. Do I forgive him? No, not until he's at my front door.

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

i came. I saw and I came again... now where's that hmmm uhh....

So I started to write this and then stopped.

I have been experiencing a lot of heartbreak lately. I think it's all in my mind so I have turned to meditation and mindfulness to get rid of it. Well, heartbreak stays with you until the next heartbreak.
I am broken up over something as simple as myself and my foolish ways.

I have a crush on someone and they have no clue. I am not good at dropping hints so I tend to over think it. I tend to overstay my stay. I really like this person and I know they like me back but it seems I am on a back burner of sorts. A scheduling conflict - so it makes me feel like I am calling the dentist in order to be a friend. I hate that.

Friends don't ink friends in.

So I have been trying to rid myself of my crush. It's a hard thing to do when you have a crush on someone. This person is gorgeous, inside and out - funny - smart - I am tongue tied when I see them. I read body language, I treat them like I would any other friend... special but it seems that I am wasting my time. And then something snaps and goes the other way... and I am back in my crush feeling again.

But are they. Don't know. Can't tell.

I can't be a drama queen, I can't a dismal in distress and yet all I wanna do is show how I feel...

I am new to this 'dating game' crap, it's been a very long time and the landscape has changed dramatically. I refuse to sign up for something that can be taken place in the produce section. Text vs call, 11am or 1PM is good for  you? Monday or Wednesday...

Once I rid myself of this, I will see the light I am sure. God provides - you hear that - Jesus? Yah so hurry up... will ya - oh yah I have a tall order too.

Saturday, October 29, 2016

So I thought it was a kids toy...

So I got up this Saturday am and worked and then decided to take some ashes to the Chattahoochee River where he liked to go growing up and as he aged he'd go for blowing off steam and think.

The last time we went together it was Oct 5 2014 and he was skipping rocks. It was two days before his 50th Birthday. 

This time I had him in a ziploc bag and a water bottle to scatter him. 
I walked to the same spot along the river not thinking what was to happen next - at all. 

I noticed someting at the end of the small jetty and I thought it was a kids toy, maybe a pile of rocks stacked or maybe.... THIS.

A small Ganesha standing in the middle with yellow petals, incense and candles - had been lit at one point and then left behind. Ganesha is the one of the most widely recognized gods of the Hindu beliefs.
Here's a more formal answer: 
Ganesha is widely revered as the remover of obstacles, the patron of arts and sciences and the deva of intellect and wisdom. As the god of beginnings, he is honoured at the start of rituals and ceremonies. Ganesha is also invoked as patron of letters and learning during writing sessions.

So I had to look it up right? Well, all I could do was type in Hindu elephant. 
My mind stopped. I began to cry and cry... I didn't know what to do. I wanted to take it home. But I realized it wasn't mine. It was for me to be with for the moment but not 'steal' thinking bad luck or shame would be bestowed on me. 

I prayed with it, I touched its hand that is palm facing and I kissed it.

As I began to read about this Ganesha this afternoon I found out that is resides in the first chakra - Muladhara where your base is or your foundation is. It supports all the other chakras in our bodies... 
we carry a lot of stuff in ours. 

A formal meaning -  Root Chakra is located at the base of the spine and controls the energy for kinesthetic feeling and movement. It is the foundation of physical energy and spiritual energy for the body. So when someone says I got your back or your spineless... it's based on this very Chakra. If someone might say that person has a good foundation of life... boom - Muladhara - it is. 

I have been waiting for a sign for months and weeks about this transitional period I feel like this is the sign I've been waiting for. While I've been doing some soul searching and working with a business coach, I've been very sad at the same time. This journey has been hard but I've been working hard at it. I have lost a dear friend, a father in law, a husband and maybe a sock or two in the dryer. I have had to sit and wait for a long time to gain some kind of visual wisdom and understanding. 

As I walked around, crying and talking to him, I looked at the ground for something, a rock or a feather or something... I tried to skip rocks - can't do it. I found two rocks that I feel that are another sign of loss and headling... a half of a heart and a heart shaped - sorta. 

Then I made my way towards the under the bridge area where I scattered some more where I think he'd liked to be. I went and sat in a bench area but got restless and went on. I passed dog walkers, bikers and families... I had my sunglasses on so it helped to hide my pain and tears. But I also think there was a lot of joy in them tears. He's telling me that moving on is ok - he's in transition and I am too. He's been hanging with the monks I guess... 

So as I am walking around the river, a song is coming over me. 
Elvis Costello's "Peace, Love And Understanding" which was one of his faves. He'd sing at night and ask me how it sounded... fine I would tell him. 

Sigh. So after the Ganesha and the walk around, under the bridge, the bench break, I make my way to this smaller area where I could sit on a big rock and take my time. I blend him in the water and use a stick to swish it around - dissolving it. Ashes are hard to get to mix in with water sometimes especially when it's still water. 

As I got up to go, I am physically tired now, it's been an emotional healing roller coaster, I try to get up and my right leg slips and goes knee deep in the same spot that the ashes are ... as if he's saying move on but don't forget... 

I look up and I can see him slightly in my vision laughing. So now I am walking with him in my shoe, my sock and my jean leg - great. As I walk along the path again, I see life carrying on as it's supposed to. I see butterflies, puppies, children and falling leaves from the trees. I have been trying to read, pray and ask friends who don't know the answers to learn. No one knows what to say. It's impossible. 

This brings me to the end - I decide that I am going to go light the Ganesha candles, but I find out I can't. I don't have a way to make fire. 

Maybe next time right?

I get in the car and drive to the mall... I buy perfume and some lingerie. Retail Therapy is a must right? 

I really feel this is a huge relief to me and as I continue my healing and journey, I will really rely on my base, my foundation and my Muladhara. You can't read about it, you can only come upon it at the same place, the same river and on the same day Duane Allman died to get it. 

Happy October 29th. It's a new beginning... 


Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Sweet Dreams Are Made Of This....

This is not a sweet dream...this is an odd dream and if anyone can figure it out.... please.

I dreamt I was with some friends in an area of a town or city - nothing concrete - but one of the people was a dear close friend of mine ... and the weather was getting bad and/or we were trying to take cover or get safe. Maybe it was alot of commotion...?

One of the scenes was a girl who asked me about a cake idea for our good friend. She said football - I said boats.

At the end of the dream I was getting to leave this house or covered deck and I came up to my dear friend who was trying to help someone out of the stairwell to get to safety. So I tapped him on the back. I was just was real casual like 'see ya' with no smile kind of approach. I guess I was feeling sad or frustrated. He said something like this "What? That's all I get?" and he made a sad face with lips pouting. So we hugged... all good.

Then all of sudden this creature or entity grabs my dear friend by his arms and his legs go out in front of him. I don't see a face on it I just see human hands... but what comes next is really disturbing.

The hand slides under my friend's pants and grabs his dick.  I get scared so I started to walk around him and this creature. As I am stepping over his legs, I say "is this what you want?"

And he looks at me full bugged eyed with tears and with a scared look on his face; says "I don't know what I want..."

I walked away - but also I was trying to wake myself up from it... so when I awoke it was 3AM and I was really shaken up.

Any ideas?