Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Why do friends let each other down and why loyalty is a sham

This is a serious matter.

When my world fell apart I thought I had friends - I was wrong. It took a good year to accept that they were just too busy and then after that, I had to fight being alone.

THAT is harder than having the flu.

But what I've learned is something so mean and cruel that we don't talk about it when we are happy. We only talk about it when we are sad or at 2 AM talking to ourselves. We are not good friends or people by and large and we are ALL at fault. We lose more friends to love than anything else.

When we 'fall' in love we stop hanging out with our friends. When we 'break up' we go back to the tree and no one is there. We call, we email and we text - and we think we did our friend duty?


I spent last year being a friend to a lot of people. I am worn out. Fed Up. And now it's their turn. I don't get it.

But what I am afraid of is my heart and soul getting so hardened by all this that I won't wanna be loved. At all. And that's a shame...

So look at yourself and your friends - are you matching or Swatching... ?

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Forgiveness is a small word with a big dick

There I said it.

I hate to say this but back in the summer, I had to divorce a friend. Completely. I can't forgive him. AT ALL.

This might change I don't know.

But I will tell you I have a small feeling he will show up at my front door asking me to change my mind. I will not. If you want me to forgive you, you have to SHOW it. You can talk all you want but showing me will tell me all I need to know.

I know all religions, beliefs and even atheism tells us we have to say "I forgive you." in order to heal. I understand it. But here's my side, all talk - that's all it is. NO meat in the words, it's like when we say I love you to someone - casually. If I say it, I MEANT IT. I have been really careful about how I say this so I don't hurt myself and indeed I am probably too careful. I am to the point of snobbery. I don't like it, but I have to protect myself, and that includes exile if I have to. I can be in exile in a crowd. I can be in exile alone. Shit, I can exile love. Hand my vi .... (sorry a tad crass)

In today's world, we all are looking for self - self is part of another word - SELFISH. And that always means NOW. We all are living in a selfish world of now. I am, you are and we all are... now if we can just scream for ice cream, we are good to go. This is going to be a huge problem if it isn't already and we need to control ourselves to the point of silence.

I am reading four books now, not good I know but one is a daily book, another is a quote book and the other two thought books and oh yah I am reading a book that I almost shelved completely, a man's quest to find all his old records - not just copies but the ones he actually had. I don't see how he's gonna do it but let's see if I can connect all my thought books to this one.

I think I just did.

We are all on a quest to find happiness through something of our past, to take us into the future but not knowing the smell of cookies in the kitchen isn't all that.

I figure out the record book is like a journey to the past, no wait IT IS... to give us a future. When ALL we have to do is, remember, smile and keep traveling. I wanna to go back to the beach, when I had a great time, back in May. Will it make me happy? Maybe. Will I have a new journey back and forth, yes. Same road different map.

So back to my ex-friend. Do I forgive him? No, not until he's at my front door.

Saturday, October 29, 2016

So I thought it was a kids toy...

So I got up this Saturday am and worked and then decided to take some ashes to the Chattahoochee River where he liked to go growing up and as he aged he'd go for blowing off steam and think.

The last time we went together it was Oct 5 2014 and he was skipping rocks. It was two days before his 50th Birthday. 

This time I had him in a ziploc bag and a water bottle to scatter him. 
I walked to the same spot along the river not thinking what was to happen next - at all. 

I noticed someting at the end of the small jetty and I thought it was a kids toy, maybe a pile of rocks stacked or maybe.... THIS.

A small Ganesha standing in the middle with yellow petals, incense and candles - had been lit at one point and then left behind. Ganesha is the one of the most widely recognized gods of the Hindu beliefs.
Here's a more formal answer: 
Ganesha is widely revered as the remover of obstacles, the patron of arts and sciences and the deva of intellect and wisdom. As the god of beginnings, he is honoured at the start of rituals and ceremonies. Ganesha is also invoked as patron of letters and learning during writing sessions.

So I had to look it up right? Well, all I could do was type in Hindu elephant. 
My mind stopped. I began to cry and cry... I didn't know what to do. I wanted to take it home. But I realized it wasn't mine. It was for me to be with for the moment but not 'steal' thinking bad luck or shame would be bestowed on me. 

I prayed with it, I touched its hand that is palm facing and I kissed it.

As I began to read about this Ganesha this afternoon I found out that is resides in the first chakra - Muladhara where your base is or your foundation is. It supports all the other chakras in our bodies... 
we carry a lot of stuff in ours. 

A formal meaning -  Root Chakra is located at the base of the spine and controls the energy for kinesthetic feeling and movement. It is the foundation of physical energy and spiritual energy for the body. So when someone says I got your back or your spineless... it's based on this very Chakra. If someone might say that person has a good foundation of life... boom - Muladhara - it is. 

I have been waiting for a sign for months and weeks about this transitional period I feel like this is the sign I've been waiting for. While I've been doing some soul searching and working with a business coach, I've been very sad at the same time. This journey has been hard but I've been working hard at it. I have lost a dear friend, a father in law, a husband and maybe a sock or two in the dryer. I have had to sit and wait for a long time to gain some kind of visual wisdom and understanding. 

As I walked around, crying and talking to him, I looked at the ground for something, a rock or a feather or something... I tried to skip rocks - can't do it. I found two rocks that I feel that are another sign of loss and headling... a half of a heart and a heart shaped - sorta. 

Then I made my way towards the under the bridge area where I scattered some more where I think he'd liked to be. I went and sat in a bench area but got restless and went on. I passed dog walkers, bikers and families... I had my sunglasses on so it helped to hide my pain and tears. But I also think there was a lot of joy in them tears. He's telling me that moving on is ok - he's in transition and I am too. He's been hanging with the monks I guess... 

So as I am walking around the river, a song is coming over me. 
Elvis Costello's "Peace, Love And Understanding" which was one of his faves. He'd sing at night and ask me how it sounded... fine I would tell him. 

Sigh. So after the Ganesha and the walk around, under the bridge, the bench break, I make my way to this smaller area where I could sit on a big rock and take my time. I blend him in the water and use a stick to swish it around - dissolving it. Ashes are hard to get to mix in with water sometimes especially when it's still water. 

As I got up to go, I am physically tired now, it's been an emotional healing roller coaster, I try to get up and my right leg slips and goes knee deep in the same spot that the ashes are ... as if he's saying move on but don't forget... 

I look up and I can see him slightly in my vision laughing. So now I am walking with him in my shoe, my sock and my jean leg - great. As I walk along the path again, I see life carrying on as it's supposed to. I see butterflies, puppies, children and falling leaves from the trees. I have been trying to read, pray and ask friends who don't know the answers to learn. No one knows what to say. It's impossible. 

This brings me to the end - I decide that I am going to go light the Ganesha candles, but I find out I can't. I don't have a way to make fire. 

Maybe next time right?

I get in the car and drive to the mall... I buy perfume and some lingerie. Retail Therapy is a must right? 

I really feel this is a huge relief to me and as I continue my healing and journey, I will really rely on my base, my foundation and my Muladhara. You can't read about it, you can only come upon it at the same place, the same river and on the same day Duane Allman died to get it. 

Happy October 29th. It's a new beginning... 


Thursday, October 13, 2016

Silver Platters Aren't Really Silver

Silver Platters aren't really silver, are they?

So I asked, "what did the show Nashville do to get all that Nashville music involved in the show?"

I was told, by another woman, "it's cause they have a $10 Billion dollar music industry."

I bit my lip and said, "well there has to be a secret to it..."

But what I should've said was, "So?"

Cause it was the right answer. It would've challenged the woman to think.  Who cares if Nashville has a huge music industry... if you are trying to bring in the money and keep it in your home state try this... do whatever they did, twist it up and make it work. Don't cop out.

The state of Georiga has been a breeding ground to some of the best creative types around the world from Joanne Woodward to REM to Ray Charles to James Brown to Zac Brown to Sugarland to Lewis Grizzard to Hollis Gillespie to Jeff Foxworthy to Ludacris to TLC to Dallas Austin - too many others... Shit we have one of the biggest Hip-Hop meccas around!

Come on... we're talking about legendary folk - the kind only GA can make...

The Allman Brothers, Widespread Panic, John Mayer (for five mins), the symphonies around the state and too many transplants to list...

The songs that were written here? or about here? For here?
Shit we could even draw a line to Billy Joe Shaver - "Georgia On  A Fast Train"
Or Little Feat "Oh Atlanta"
Or Elton John
Drivin N Cryin
there's an opera singer somewhere... can't think of her name
Angie Aparo
the guy from Air Supply... the one that held one of the longest notes in a song?
Or John Mayer
Or Dave Cobb...

We have a state song about a man lusting after another woman.. you can't more country and blues than that...

Gosh, need I say more?

Do I need to pull out the Brendan O'Brien and Butch Walker cards? Do I?

So why not go to the backyard and get the music. Is it gonna be harder than Music Row? Maybe it might take a little bit of muscle to get it done. Take one movie or TV show and try it. We've got the resources - we've got the talent - why not?

And we don't need to go to a "ROW" to get it. It's easily accessible. All you gotta do is go to a music venue around and ask. Try maybe putting it in the contracts - record labels make you do it - just a thought.

But the community cuts it nose off to despite its face at times and we become too safe to try it. I used to encounter a lot of this when I first got here. So I stopped hanging with them - mainly due to a new job that I had and it took me around the world without even leaving the state. Now that I am on my own I am finding out, that the world is so small and yet it thinks it's huge... not to try it.

So what do I do?

That's something that's been coming up lately... how do I start the conga line? You ask the stupid questions... you challenge it all - by doing it myself?
Maybe... do I enlist the KISS army? or Bubba the Love Sponge's listeners? Perhaps...
Do I say a word to anyone... sorta.

We shall see... I told someone "Don't tell anyone what you are doing... just do it." I need to go back to that drawing board.

So why the silver platter analogy? Well, sometimes we expect a silver platter handed to us for we think we are special... well we aren't. Sorry. We become special when we do something spectacular - huge - big time - whatever your choice word is. Until then we are just a bunch of idiots trying to butt in line.

And to the owner of a huge music festival who prides itself in keeping it real within the state -
Question: "why did you go outside the state lines to get PR?"

Now I didn't ask that to him because it was after the "Nashville talk"... and that would've been tacky right?

Friday, September 2, 2016

Here's my dress - try it on.

Ok girls, if you think I'm a threat to your man, get over it.

Stop this high school nonsense.

Stop. it.


The reason why you are acting this way is cause you are insecure in your own self and relationship. If your man was gonna cheat he would've already done so. And not with me. Sorry.

I am gonna be honest about this: the next time your man dies and everyone you thought were friends of yours - both solo and or attached - drop out of your life in critical need - don't come crying to me. That's how I got and still get treated for it's stupid and sad and pathetic. Immature and lazy.

Actually - come over and I will show you how to be a friend. Yah kill you with kindness.

I'm not gonna say you deserve it, no one does but just remember the old blues song:

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Growing up what I was taught and what I have learned so far sometimes matched and sometimes don't -- so here's to matching stripes and plaids!
That we should enjoy life for we don't know when it will end.
Never live your life in fear.
Fear and Faith don't live in the same heart.
Follow your gut - think with your heart.
Save your pennies for you might need them one day.
Eat all the cookies if you want to. Just don't do it every day.
Get the oil changed every 3K miles
Look both ways when crossing the street.
Don't tease your brother.
And Jesus loves all the little children - even if you are 75
Bucket Lists are meant for making over and over again.
my favorite -
Walk on the wild side.
Take a listen to this: 

Sunday, August 7, 2016

This is what happens when I listen to a Lori McKenna album...

If  stop signs were meant to really stop; we would. And yet yield signs seem like they are just wave-by gestures.

He would say there are no coincidences in life. It's life in purest of form.

So I get this sign one night that all my worlds in the past years have collided into one word: Learning.

Learning to be alone, learning to let go of stuff, friends, family and yet learning to eat alone at restaurants is the easiest thing to do. I don't mind going to parties solo either for I have a good exit plan now. Walk steadily, touch a person, saying nothing and push the door open with one hand - totally textbook style.

But learning these things go away and understand that it could come back in another format is like Karma speaking to me. Like going away in Mp3 coming back in vinyl.

Learning is one of those things that we thought we were done with after college graduation. But oh no, the education has just begun. The bucket lists are crumbled up in the trashcan, the kids are driving you nuts, bills are piling up and all you wanna do is paint. Yet there is no end in sight it just keeps changing, as we learn about how to live. If you have reached the finish line, you're dead.

You find out not everything is your fault - it's just the way things are and that truth will hit the fan in a minute. Make sure you wear a shield of armour if you don't wanna feel the pain.

I'm trying to be authentic which is hard in a fairy tale world where hopes and dreams are like paper airplanes, flimsy and fly downward only to hit the ground to bend at the nose. I wish this learning had a curve, maybe to cut me slack.

SO now what? (that by the way was my first idea for my PR firm's name - can you hear the phones? "Now what?!" kinda like this old PR firm called "Joe's Garage" - that would flip me out, cause I really thought I called a car mechanic)

What now maybe should be the correct question: well, let's break it down, what is now a subject - so maybe that's a list of things we are crossing off and now is a timely matter - now could be in 5 seconds or 5 years. Maybe there's nothing to do at the moment. Maybe that's where I learn something new like, sit down and shut up.

But here's the kicker... did you know what we learned at the age of 5 stays with all our lives? Yeah so sharing the sandbox is the most important thing to do.