Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Forgiveness is a small word with a big dick

There I said it.

I hate to say this but back in the summer, I had to divorce a friend. Completely. I can't forgive him. AT ALL.

This might change I don't know.

But I will tell you I have a small feeling he will show up at my front door asking me to change my mind. I will not. If you want me to forgive you, you have to SHOW it. You can talk all you want but showing me will tell me all I need to know.

I know all religions, beliefs and even atheism tells us we have to say "I forgive you." in order to heal. I understand it. But here's my side, all talk - that's all it is. NO meat in the words, it's like when we say I love you to someone - casually. If I say it, I MEANT IT. I have been really careful about how I say this so I don't hurt myself and indeed I am probably too careful. I am to the point of snobbery. I don't like it, but I have to protect myself, and that includes exile if I have to. I can be in exile in a crowd. I can be in exile alone. Shit, I can exile love. Hand my vi .... (sorry a tad crass)

In today's world, we all are looking for self - self is part of another word - SELFISH. And that always means NOW. We all are living in a selfish world of now. I am, you are and we all are... now if we can just scream for ice cream, we are good to go. This is going to be a huge problem if it isn't already and we need to control ourselves to the point of silence.

I am reading four books now, not good I know but one is a daily book, another is a quote book and the other two thought books and oh yah I am reading a book that I almost shelved completely, a man's quest to find all his old records - not just copies but the ones he actually had. I don't see how he's gonna do it but let's see if I can connect all my thought books to this one.

I think I just did.

We are all on a quest to find happiness through something of our past, to take us into the future but not knowing the smell of cookies in the kitchen isn't all that.

I figure out the record book is like a journey to the past, no wait IT IS... to give us a future. When ALL we have to do is, remember, smile and keep traveling. I wanna to go back to the beach, when I had a great time, back in May. Will it make me happy? Maybe. Will I have a new journey back and forth, yes. Same road different map.

So back to my ex-friend. Do I forgive him? No, not until he's at my front door.

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