Growing up what I was taught and what I have learned so far sometimes matched and sometimes don't -- so here's to matching stripes and plaids!

That we should enjoy life for we don't know when it will end.
Never live your life in fear.
Fear and Faith don't live in the same heart.
Follow your gut - think with your heart.
Save your pennies for you might need them one day.
Eat all the cookies if you want to. Just don't do it every day.
Get the oil changed every 3K miles
Look both ways when crossing the street.
Don't tease your brother.
And Jesus loves all the little children - even if you are 75
Bucket Lists are meant for making over and over again.

And
my favorite -
Walk on the wild side.

Take a listen to this: 

https://vimeo.com/176370337?ref=fb-share&1 

This is what happens when I listen to a Lori McKenna album...

If  stop signs were meant to really stop; we would. And yet yield signs seem like they are just wave-by gestures.

He would say there are no coincidences in life. It's life in purest of form.

So I get this sign one night that all my worlds in the past years have collided into one word: Learning.

Learning to be alone, learning to let go of stuff, friends, family and yet learning to eat alone at restaurants is the easiest thing to do. I don't mind going to parties solo either for I have a good exit plan now. Walk steadily, touch a person, saying nothing and push the door open with one hand - totally textbook style.

But learning these things go away and understand that it could come back in another format is like Karma speaking to me. Like going away in Mp3 coming back in vinyl.

Learning is one of those things that we thought we were done with after college graduation. But oh no, the education has just begun. The bucket lists are crumbled up in the trashcan, the kids are driving you nuts, bills are piling up and all you wanna do is paint. Yet there is no end in sight it just keeps changing, as we learn about how to live. If you have reached the finish line, you're dead.

You find out not everything is your fault - it's just the way things are and that truth will hit the fan in a minute. Make sure you wear a shield of armour if you don't wanna feel the pain.

I'm trying to be authentic which is hard in a fairy tale world where hopes and dreams are like paper airplanes, flimsy and fly downward only to hit the ground to bend at the nose. I wish this learning had a curve, maybe to cut me slack.

SO now what? (that by the way was my first idea for my PR firm's name - can you hear the phones? "Now what?!" kinda like this old PR firm called "Joe's Garage" - that would flip me out, cause I really thought I called a car mechanic)

What now maybe should be the correct question: well, let's break it down, what is now a subject - so maybe that's a list of things we are crossing off and now is a timely matter - now could be in 5 seconds or 5 years. Maybe there's nothing to do at the moment. Maybe that's where I learn something new like, sit down and shut up.

But here's the kicker... did you know what we learned at the age of 5 stays with all our lives? Yeah so sharing the sandbox is the most important thing to do.

i said single and meant it...

it felt ok and weird at the same time.

I will play the w card if I have to.

If I could order a man at a restaurant - I would want a healthy, able, sound mind and body... like parents who are expecting. I don't want to settle.

I will and refuse to settle.

Get that boys?

don't piss off the sound man

before your show.

It's sage advice when a musician or a band is starting to play live shows. Get half your money up front - tip the staff  and don't piss off the sound man.
It's been handed down for years. It works when you don't and it works when you do.
As I make my way through my new business and I am the face of a lot of people and several times
this year I have had to make an ugly face.

It's the kind that my mother would say "what if you froze like that."
Yah.

Trust is a huge issue for me - always has been.

I tell no one everything, someone nothing, and everyone something.

But I leave out names, places and checking accounts I have to - I'm in the mafia.

I have been slammed, screwed, exposed and I don't like it anymore.

So now that the soundman - meaning me - the stage will be dark til I said so.

I re-wired my halo...

Wow what a difference it makes with a little bit of hope and some TLC.
I think I made a difference the other day.

I finally told a friend that no one calls. He wrote back in his messy handwriting telling me hang in there and continue my journey.

It was the sweetest thing that I have read in a long long time.

He has good bones.
Good structure to his mind, soul and heart.
He's got a good smile and laugh.
I just sit and giggle.

I ran into some of my artist friends, and they were gushing over the fact I looked so good. I am thinking is this after I let the air out of the bag? Did it make my skin glow? My halo come back? I mean it had a short in it... I did dye my hair and go to the beach so maybe it's the summer air.

I felt good about talking to my dear friend about this and he gave me another key. A key of knowledge that I don't really think ahout. Love from above - I'm not a religious person for any one can be religious about anything but being spiritual is the center of it all. My mother rubs it in all the time. In fact I got another "book" from her and I just tossed it aside. Knowing me I will pick it up and read it and cry.

So as I tell my mom, I will go back soon... once I figure it out. IT being - me not bursting into flames...

This process is a gonna take a lot longer than I thought. I may never get through it 100% but at least I know I can tell people easier than I thought how I feel. I hate to be "mean" but it's just been heartbreaking to deal with such rejection for lack of a better word. I can deal with death a 100 times over. The silence is harder than anything. It's like a high school silent treatment on steroids.

So I get told by another friend of mine, you will see you are loved - etc... ugh. Yah? Well... I don't believe it, I say. This was months ago.

And again, I PROMISE. I won't be the Debbie Downer or the 800LB Elephant or the party-pooper... only if you make me.

I put on my shields of armour. and didn't shower or wash my hair.

Well now we begin a new chapter... or verse or inning 

So yesterday was the year marker. #oneyear

It seems like it was years ago and weeks ago at the same time. 

I drove to The Cherokee Indian Reservation and back. 

It was a pretty day and traffic was easy. 

I got up there and traveled to the top where the Village was - a place to see how the Cherokee Tribe lived. And drove up a side curve and I think I spotted a tombstone markers - so I stopped and I chickened out going up there and just scattered some ashes in a corner. I poured water and dirt over him - I pretended I was trying to find something in my car and pouring out water bottles. 

I was protected with prayer, Indian cedar beads, a St Michael medal and my wing necklace. As I drove through the Smoky Mountains, I saw rafting businesses I recalled our trips as a child to the area. As I drove the two lane roads at times, I felt like I was driving through India. Narrow and curving with a drop off with the creeks. There were times when I had no service and it freaked me out, thinking I didn't pay the bill. 

So as I made my way I keep following the google GPS and I was not paying attention to the HUGE sign that said CHEROKEE INDIAN RESERVATION so I swung a hard right. As I traveled down the road I eye balled places to scatter ashes - one was Oconaluftee River which you are able to fish in. SO I took that as a sign it was ok. 

I drive up the side towards the village as I said before and scattered some and then more at a small babbling creek. I went into the Village gift shop and asked about possible urns or something. They recommended a wedding vase which looks like a heart. So it was perfect - red clay and native made. 

He will feel safe and sound. 

I saw beautiful baskets and bead work. But the Tribe was probably the first recycling plant. So when I threw my bottle away I thought now that's recycling right there. 

I am taking a native and putting him the hallowed ground and then putting him back in the trash to be recycled. I wonder what he will come back as. 

 Oconaluftee River 

So as I am doing this I say I hope you are happy and feel good. I love you - in various ways. This was very healing for me. It took a lot of time and effort to do this. I know he knows this. 

All I can think of is how proud that Steed was of this side of his heritage. He had a keen sense of direction, a good smell of character and walked steady. I couldn't crawl out of a paper bag. 

But what I couldn't figure out was what clan he was a part of so 

I bought a bowl of all 7 heads. 

It dropped while in bubble wrap and it got busted - red clay doesn't chip like china, it goes back to powder. So, the bruise landed in between two heads. So I would love to know which one he would be a part of.  But with not many family members left it might be hard. So I will go with the ones that were at the chip. 

Sometimes magic happens and you can't explain. 

I went to another gallery shop to see if I could find something else, but really couldn't afford some of the prices. So, I went on my journey. I rode to the river area and parked. I sat on a pile of rock and near a tree stump. I buried him under some rocks and then I was sitting in the sun, I began to cry and I looked down and saw this rock first. 

I took it as a sign that he was happy. 

I tried to keep in mind that I was on hallowed ground and sometimes you just to feel - sit still and feel the wind breeze by. I knew a lot of natives died there especially during the Trail Of Tears. This is where I tell the story - basically, one of the daughters of a Chief hid in the woods to keep from going and she eventually married one of Steed's great uncles. This happened more so than one would think. 

So I wanted to drive up to the top of the mountain but that's gonna be another time. I just wanted to do something on his year. 

I finally found it. 

After about 2 hours there, it was time to leave - The whole time I was walking about I was trying to recall a restaurant that we ate at the only time we went to the area. As I was driving I saw familiar white clapboard houses and it hit me it was there. Me being a city driver just did a sudden U Turn and pulled into the lot. I was there. The place where you brought your beer in a paper bag. It was a Greek place now, but I asked the waitress about it and she went to ask and said it was the Dillsboro Smokehouse - I was eating at the place! So while I had a beer and ate a Greek salad and some melt in your mouth fried chicken I cried. The waitress brought more napkins. She saw me to the illegal move too. 

So the whole trip was great - integrated with some great text chats with friends. One is going through a hard break up and the other is going to be a pirate soon. I love them both. Then a call with two very close friends - one who knows the signs mean something and the other one who keeps Steed in his ice box for safe keeping. Then I topped off the night with some wine and a long talk with my parents who sped all the way down to be with me that next day after he left me. And of course work stuff just like it did that very day a year ago. 

So today starts my new year - this is my New Year's Day. Will things change - no not really. Just I get to say this is the second time... I am carrying the Cherokee Indian ritual of the widow of not bathing or washing or brushing my hair. Once I am ready today I will. 

Love you to following initials. Some of them were the same folks I was talking to that very day. 

DA
DC
JH

NC

RW

AB

FK

As for my Wish bracelet - I put it on this morning and while I was in the shower it came off. I wished for something and as the belief goes, it may come true if I believe in it. Maybe the quicker it falls off and the sooner the wish will come true?

He went for a walk, a ride in the car and went shopping

And he loved it.
I took Steed to Nashville and took him to all the spots he loved.
He played The Bluebird Cafe, Exit/In, Stages and while he didn't love the BMI offices in Nashville, that's where he has his songs.
I took him to lower Broadway and said goodbye on the pedestrian bridge where a lot of country music videos have been filmed. We had looked at apartments along the river there.
He went to the Johnny Cash Museum and watched me buy a trendy CASH tee. He cringed I am sure.
He went to the women's bathroom and the dressing rooms. I felt good about it.

The Bluebird Cafe

He was happy in Nashville.
He felt wanted there.
He felt comfortable there.
He wanted to move there and we almost did 16 years ago.
But again, plans changed once his mother died and his father asked if we'd move in with him.
So here I am making pilgrimages to Music City and leaving him there.
He will prosper and his energy will give me hope.
He's given me new everything cause he wanted me to be happy and successful.

BMI - where they told him to dumb his songs down.
Thank GOD
for DC who believed him so much in ATL.

I think if I just follow his light and Cherokee sense of direction I will be ok. I will take him again I am sure. I need to take him to a few more places...

The big Grand Ol' Opry where he played last, Gruehn's guitars and I gotta find the place where he did a showcase with Liberty Jones and someone said to him "Slept Like A Baby - I Cried All Night" and he told that to Roger Mathis and he wrote the song from that.

Things happened for Steed like nowhere else.
Maybe that's a hint.

He met John Lomax there and he told
him to call Mark Pucci - which led him to me. 

Liberty Jones played here and he called me
from the pay phone to tell me all these Vandy girls
where flirting with him. I told him I didn't need to hear that.

He played here and his friend Allen worked there.

A resting place.

Two more weeks... and we will go for another ride.